Way back in 2005, I found someone who actually wanted to be around me. A once in a lifetime miracle. We were about to move in together. We rented a apartment together, and she moved from her former apartment, to the new one. I was to move in 3 days later. But by the time I moved out, she already had a mental breakdown, so I had to move in with my parents (because she was admitted to a hospital, and I could not afford the rent on my own).
For 3 months I visited her at the hospital, almost daily. After 3 months she was transferred to a state psychiatric hospital. Kept on visiting her for 3 months there, when the hospital decided that I could no longer visit her. It was never really explained why though, something she did is all they said. I had no choice but to give up, hoping one day she would contact me, but that day never came.
So for years I have tried to find her. It is a little disturbing when someone you are about to marry (and move in together) ends up in a hospital for 6 months, and suddenly you get barred from seeing her, without any explanation, and than she just disappears from the face of the earth.
After years of searching, I found her. She is back to living in her home town again. She had no address from 2006 – 2015, but the website I used listed all of her previous addresses she had when I knew her. So there is only one possible conclusion, she was in the hospital for 8 and a half years.
I could contact her if I wanted to, but I don’t think I will for several reasons. 1. She never did contact me again, she might just not want anything to do with me. 2. She might have asked the hospital to not let me visit her, because she got sick of me, and did not want to break up with me and hurt my feelings. Every girlfriend I ever had before her, never officially broke up with me, they just did the no contact thing (although one made it extremely clear that she did not want me around, until she changed her mind a few days later, than changed it again, and again, and again, for 14 years now (Borderlines should never ever date another Borderline)). So this is a extremely strong possibility, that she did the same thing the rest of them did. 3. She just might not remember me anymore. Most people can’t remember me for 5 minutes, and this was 9 years ago. Also she got very sick when she was in the hospital, she could not even talk for the first 2 months I was seeing her in the hospital (catatonic schizophrenia symptoms). 4. She might have found someone else, it has been 9 years. 5. She is almost 60 now, seems kind of pointless due to age. 6. Also I have long since given up hope of ever finding someone. After the breakup with my 4th girlfriend (who wanted to make a epic breakup for some reason), and having my next girlfriend (who eventually became my fiance) end up in a hospital, and just vanish for 10 years, I just don’t want to deal with a relationship again. They just bring pain and chaos, and they just prove my fundamental belief that no human being can stand to be around me, and drags me even further into self loathing. I need to accept it, and move on, instead of proving it again.
It is nice to know that she is still alive though. If she ever contacts me, I would have no problems communicating with her, but I think it would be best if I just left her alone. The mystery is solved, and that is good enough for me. I doubt she remembers me anymore anyways. If I can find her, she can find me (if she wants to), and far more easily, I have not been in a hospital for 8 years. If she does contact me someday, that is fine. If she does not, that is fine as well.
The best way to deal with this situation is to avoid it. Yah, it is how I deal with everything, but I don’t know what else I should do here. She stopped contacting me. It is quite obvious that human beings would rather do anything else than be around me. Why think she is any different. I don’t want to put her down but maybe the reason she did want to date me and get married was just a symptom of her schizophrenia. A obvious sign of sanity would be wanting to stay away from me. She could have got better, figured “what the hell am I doing, I am about to marry a looser”, and had the hospital get rid of the baggage (me). I have no evidence to support this theory, but at the same time I have overwhelming evidence that she does not want to hear from me (for whatever reason). Maybe avoidance is the best solution this time.
It was always just a lost cause, a dream that someone could accept me for who I am. A unrealistic dream. Is the dream not selfish anyways? Trying to find someone to prove my belief in myself is wrong just sounds selfish. Even if something like that ever happened, it would have never stopped this 29 year depression. It would have only been a matter of time before they could not take it. It is a dream that should be forgotten.
It was never a miracle anyways, just a ray of false hope. Hope in my life, is just a mirage.