Finally found my fiance (ex fiance, I guess)

Way back in 2005, I found someone who actually wanted to be around me.  A once in a lifetime miracle.  We were about to move in together.  We rented a apartment together, and she moved from her former apartment, to the new one.  I was to move in 3 days later.  But by the time I moved out, she already had a mental breakdown, so I had to move in with my parents (because she was admitted to a hospital, and I could not afford the rent on my own).

For 3 months I visited her at the hospital, almost daily.  After 3 months she was transferred to a state psychiatric hospital.  Kept on visiting her for 3 months there, when the hospital decided that I could no longer visit her.  It was never really explained why though, something she did is all they said.  I had no choice but to give up, hoping one day she would contact me, but that day never came.

So for years I have tried to find her.  It is a little disturbing when someone you are about to marry (and move in together) ends up in a hospital for 6 months, and suddenly you get barred from seeing her, without any explanation, and than she just disappears from the face of the earth.

After years of searching, I found her.  She is back to living in her home town again.  She had no address from 2006 – 2015, but the website I used listed all of her previous addresses she had when I knew her.  So there is only one possible conclusion, she was in the hospital for 8 and a half years.

I could contact her if I wanted to, but I don’t think I will for several reasons.  1.  She never did contact me again, she might just not want anything to do with me.  2.  She might have asked the hospital to not let me visit her, because she got sick of me, and did not want to break up with me and hurt my feelings.  Every girlfriend I ever had before her, never officially broke up with me, they just did the no contact thing (although one made it extremely clear that she did not want me around, until she changed her mind a few days later, than changed it again, and again, and again, for 14 years now (Borderlines should never ever date another Borderline)).  So this is a extremely strong possibility, that she did the same thing the rest of them did.  3. She just might not remember me anymore.  Most people can’t remember me for 5 minutes, and this was 9 years ago.  Also she got very sick when she was in the hospital, she could not even talk for the first 2 months I was seeing her in the hospital (catatonic schizophrenia symptoms).  4.  She might have found someone else, it has been 9 years.  5.  She is almost 60 now, seems kind of pointless due to age.  6. Also I have long since given up hope of ever finding someone.  After the breakup with my 4th girlfriend (who wanted to make a epic breakup for some reason), and having my next girlfriend (who eventually became my fiance) end up in a hospital, and just vanish for 10 years, I just don’t want to deal with a relationship again.  They just bring pain and chaos, and they just prove my fundamental belief that no human being can stand to be around me, and drags me even further into self loathing.  I need to accept it, and move on, instead of proving it again.

It is nice to know that she is still alive though.  If she ever contacts me, I would have no problems communicating with her, but I think it would be best if I just left her alone.  The mystery is solved, and that is good enough for me.  I doubt she remembers me anymore anyways.  If I can find her, she can find me (if she wants to), and far more easily, I have not been in a hospital for 8 years.  If she does contact me someday, that is fine.  If she does not, that is fine as well.

The best way to deal with this situation is to avoid it.  Yah, it is how I deal with everything, but I don’t know what else I should do here.  She stopped contacting me.  It is quite obvious that human beings would rather do anything else than be around me.  Why think she is any different.  I don’t want to put her down but maybe the reason she did want to date me and get married was just a symptom of her schizophrenia.  A obvious sign of sanity would be wanting to stay away from me.  She could have got better, figured “what the hell am I doing, I am about to marry a looser”, and had the hospital get rid of the baggage (me).  I have no evidence to support this theory, but at the same time I have overwhelming evidence that she does not want to hear from me (for whatever reason).  Maybe avoidance is the best solution this time.

It was always just a lost cause, a dream that someone could accept me for who I am.  A unrealistic dream.  Is the dream not selfish anyways?  Trying to find someone to prove my belief in myself is wrong just sounds selfish.  Even if something like that ever happened, it would have never stopped this 29 year depression.  It would have only been a matter of time before they could not take it.  It is a dream that should be forgotten.

It was never a miracle anyways, just a ray of false hope.  Hope in my life, is just a mirage.

I guess I never really needed to worry about that

One thing I touch on a little bit is video games.  I am a avid video game player (it comes from not having friends, and need to waste time somehow).  But the problem with that is, it was my politicians favorite scapegoat for all societies ills (well at least until a month ago).  In the 80s and the early 90s it was blamed for turning you into a drug addict.  Than Mortal Kombat came out, and it was going to turn all the kids violent.  Than the first mass shooting happened in 1999, and it became the scapegoat for all mass shootings to this day.  My country needs a scapegoat for everything.

It always bothered me (and apparently a lot of scientists), because study after study came out saying video games do not make you violent, but no one ever listened.

But after watching events unfold for the last month, it is quite obvious now no one ever took it seriously.

A month ago 5 teens were found to have a unidentified illness that is thought to possibly be caused by vaping.

It is something I thought of trying, but I am poor and it is cheaper to go to a Indian reservation that is 1 town over from me to buy cigarettes.  It isn’t like I care if I died early, I have been depressed for 28 years now, the less time the better, I just don’t like the smell of them.  But they are the only thing I have ever found that makes me less depressed, not by much, but anything is better than nothing in my case.

But anyone with half a brain can see how vaping is safer.

But the majority of public never liked vaping (kind of like they never liked smoking).  But now they have evidence that something might be wrong with them, cue full hysteria mode.

As you can imagine, one month is not enough time to scientifically prove anything.  They can’t even find any connection between the patients right now.  But fuck science, we need to do something now!

So my state banned flavored vaping.  Because kids only vape because of flavors, kind of like when I was a kid the only reason a kid would smoke was because there is a camel on the cigarette pack (do politicians have kids, they don’t seem to know kids very well).

Other states are going full prohibition mode (that worked so well in the 1930’s), and banning them in a day.

The US congress is planning on making a bill for vaping prohibition as well.

All this before the scientists have even figured out a link yet.

Time it takes my country who is afraid of something to ban it: 1 month.

They have been complaining about video games for my entire life now (41+ years), yet they have never done anything about banning video games.  The worst I ever heard was Walmart was going to remove violent video games because of mass shootings, but the stores nearby me never did.  Their actions speak louder than words, they say video games cause all societies ills, but do nothing about them.

With vaping they panicked themselves into believing they are even more dangerous than cigarettes (there is no logic here; 5 people MIGHT have died from vaping, compared to thousands who do die daily from smoking, yet they have convinced themselves it is more dangerous than smoking, clear cut Hysteria).

My guess is someone decided to make some cheap knock of vaping machine, or vaping juice on the black market (maybe they are selling them online), maybe counterfeits.  This technology has been around for 10 years until now, and no one has got sick till now (if someone did, the hysteria would have been earlier).  So something that changed this year, that has not been around for the last 10 years.

But since they want to go into full prohibition mode without thinking about it, and just panic, people are going to be forced to get more of these black market products that make you sick (if my theory is right), more people gets sick, their delusion is confirmed even more, more vaping is banned, ect.

Kind of like the opioid crisis.  People were addicted to pain pills.  They thought the solution was to ban pain pills.  So than the people who took pain pills turn to heroin, and politicians go:


And than they ban even more pain pills.  This will end up the same way.

This situation proves that if anyone actually thought video games were causing mass shootings, they would have been banned in a month.  So I never really did need to concern myself with it, no one believes it.

Good thing I never tried vaping like I planned though, not because I think they are dangerous, it is because they will likely be banned here by Christmas.


The true ruler of my country is paranoia.

Lovely Week

I know people read this online journal (no idea why), so if you are browsing along and see that title, and think this will be a upbeat story, boy are you in the wrong place.  The title is satire, and this blog is far from uplifting.  You might want to read another story.

So this was a fun week.

What is the second worst thing to happen to someone who hates themselves every day, and thinks the rest of the world feels the same way (The number one worst thing would be: have a girlfriend tells you she loves you, than the next day she asks you to come in a room with a team of her therapists to dump you.  That one makes it so you never want to date again).  Well that would be this week.

There were 4 mass shootings in my country last week, in the span of 4 days.  So everyone needed to do the usual freak out and find scapegoats, because they have no intention of fixing the problem.  So for the last week I have been bombarded with all the reasons they say causes this problem.  I’ll detail them, they are all bullshit reasons. They are all problems that every country has, yet no other country has as many mass shootings.  They are scapegoat problems.  Things that generally my country does not like, and since they do not like them, they must be the cause.  It does not matter if they are the real cause or not, because it is 2019, facts do not matter anymore, comforting lies are better.  My country likes to point fingers, and never solve anything.  That is just the way it works here.

So it is just wonderful for people like me (who hates themselves), when everyone starts blaming societies ills on traits that you have.  It just sounds like a never ending echo.  You are right, everyone does hate you.  Not only do they never visit.  Not only do they never call.  But when anything bad happens, you are the first one they blame.

On to the blame game.  The media has blamed 3 things this week for the cause of it.  As stated before they have zero proof, but that does not matter, they need someone to blame.  Of course I fit all 3 categories, because people really do hate people like me.

Category 1: Men, particularly white men.  Yah I am a white guy.  I am apparently responsible for all sin, for existing.  It is rich white men that are the problem, not ALL white men, but it is 2019 facts don’t matter anymore.

Category 2: Mental illness.  Their logic is you must be crazy to want to do that, so ALL mentally ill people are dangerous.  These categories do follow a trend, don’t they, all or nothing thinking.  All people in this group are dangerous.  It does not matter that the mentally ill are more likely to be victims of violence, than to cause violence, it is 2019 facts don’t matter anymore.  So they want to take guns away from anyone with a mental illness now.  I don’t have a gun, I don’t want a gun.  The problem for me (other than saying we are all dangerous), is saying we are less deserving of rights than “normal people”.  If they successfully take this right away, they will be back to take more rights away.  The take away I get from this is we are less deserving of rights because we are beneath them.  Kind of reminds me of the German jew relationship of the 1930’s.  The Jews are beneath the Germans (the mentally ill are beneath the normal people), but the Jews are dangerous (but the mentally ill are dangerous).  The Jews need to be identified and labeled (we need to make a online database of mentally ill people), we need to take away the rights of Jews to protect ourselves (we need to take away the rights of the mentally ill to protect ourselves), we need to lock up the Jews to protect ourselves (we need to bring back institutions to lock the mentally ill in, to protect ourselves).  My country has already made detention centers in the last two years for Mexicans crossing the border, so it would not be that hard to believe they would do the same thing for the mentally ill again.  The only thing we got going for us, is there are thousands of Mexicans, and millions of people in my country with mental illness.  They likely will not lock us all up again, because it would be too costly.

But when your governor is on TV saying how he wants to strip a constitutional right from you because of your disability, yah that feels wonderful.  I don’t want a gun, but no one is going to object when they decide to take more of my rights away “for their protection”.  They don’t even have any evidence, and they have no problem stripping our rights away.  That is the point when you know, that no one is going to be fighting for your rights, no one cares about you.

Category 3: Video games.  The government is mostly controlled by Baby Boomers.  They are too old to have played video games.  Over the years the attitude they have had about them has changed.  When I was a kid video games were just a waste of time.  By the mid 80’s they made you dumber.  By the early 90s they turned you into a drug dealer (than my city I was living in banned all arcades, because that was causing the drug problem, hint, it did not go away).  Mid 90s Mortal Kombat wanted you to rip people spines out, and for the last 20 years (first mass shooting was 1999), it turns you into a serial killer.  There has been numerous studies proving there is no connection between video games and violence, in fact they improve hand eye coordination, and reduce anxiety and depression, but it is 2019, facts do not matter anymore.  So since facts don’t matter anymore Walmart decided to take violent video games away, but keep selling guns.  People really do believe this bullshit.

This comic I saw sums it up nicely:


I could say what the cause of the problem is, but whats the point.  No one cares what I think, and my opinion is just as shitty as the 3 above.

But these kind of weeks just really bring me down.  It proves what the people around me, think what I actually am.  They believe that I am a monster.  All these thoughts I have about myself (that no one can stand me) are not wrong.  They just usually keep it to themselves.  But whenever something goes wrong, and they are scared, and need someone to blame, they start blaming me first.  I am the ultimate monster in their mind.  It does not matter if it is true or not, that is what they believe me to be, a monster.  My feelings about myself are confirmed.  They are no delusion as previous therapists have said, therapists also say people like me, yet no one visits, no one calls.  The therapists were full of shit, this is the reality, I was not wrong.

From the day I was born, my parents blamed me for everything.  I was the black sheep, I was responsible for all of the families problems,

When I went to school, no one talked to me except when they wanted someone to bully.  I was different (a sad kid, because I was being abused by my parents; a poor kid in a rich school district).  The teachers stood by and did nothing, because they believed I deserved it.  In 9th grade, I got tired of the daily bullying and decided to fight back one day.  Than they finally got off their ass and did something.  They suspended me, not the bully.  That day it became 100% clear that the reason they never did anything for 10 years, was because they believed the same thing the kids believed.  I was different and deserved to be bullied.  But doing the same thing the bullies were doing, you are not allowed to do that.  After my suspension ended I never came back, and officially dropped out when I was 16 (a year later).  Took a GED when I was 17, and graduated a year before my class did, and missed 3 more years of bullying.  Best decision I ever made.

When I became a adult, they aren’t as openly hostile as they used to be, but when something bad happens, they come again to blame me for their problems.  They have never liked me, I was different.  If I get stabbed in the back someday, as with the teachers I had, they will think I deserve it.

It is just wonderful when you hate yourself, and everyone says (in their actions) we hate you too.

If you are a “normal person” reading this, don’t worry, I am not going to do anything but sit in this apartment (like I always do).  I have 41 years of experiencing this, it is nothing new.  I learned the best way to deal with people, is to not be around them.  So you don’t have to worry about ever seeing me.  But if you feel the need, blame me for everything wrong with your life in the comment section if you feel like it, I am used to it (doubt I will respond though).


Titles are for something of importance, this is not it

The biggest problem with this website (for me anyways), is that you have to give a title for every post.  Sometimes you just don’t have a title that fits.  Sometimes the post is of so little importance (like this one), it should not have a title, yet I have to enter one.  First world problems rant over.

It has been hard to write lately in this mental health journal (why am I still keeping this anyways, the therapist who wanted me to make a mental health journal got rid of me as a client years ago).  I have had a major depressive episode for 2 months now.  No one calls anymore, and I have no one to call.  I rarely leave the house anymore, because I have little reason to.  So what is there to write about.

I am depressed.  What’s new, I have been depressed every day for 28 years straight now.  I’ll likely be depressed for the next 28 years, if I write about that, I am a parrot.

I just want a one way ticket off this planet.  Again what’s new?  I have been borderline suicidal for 28 years now.  It is never going to happen though, I am stuck here.  I used to keep myself alive because I was afraid I would go to hell, and heaven seems to be the only solution for ending this depression.  The older I got, the more it seems like I am already in hell.  Just looking at the actions of people around me (and myself), I think it is safe to assume we have already failed at getting into heaven.  This planet is a prison.  God does not need to judge our actions, he already knows what we will do before we do it.  Creating a place where we can be judged worthy to go to heaven is a needless step, he already knows if we will succeed or fail.  So the purpose of this reality (as people believe it)  seems questionable.  So he might as well just stick all his defective children in one place, far away from him.  Say a blue planet at a very far end of a galaxy, far, far away from him.  The last time he visited, it ended poorly.  So it is not really surprising he does not want to be around us.  The bible never describes hell, maybe because this is hell.  Evil is rewarded here (at least in this country).  The worse a person you are, the more power you have in this world, sure sounds like hell.  Adam and Eve were thrown out of the garden of Eden, maybe we all were.  Maybe we already have been judged.  So if this is hell, and I ended my life, I would likely just be reborn right back here on this planet I want to get off.  There is no escape from hell. Or maybe I am in asylum right now, and this reality is a nightmare.  Suicide will not solve that either.

That is what I tell myself anyways, the real reason is I am just too tired to do it.  In my case it might solve the problem, it is obvious now that I am going to be depressed till the day I die.  But it only solves the problem if there is nothing after death.  Whatever the case I am too tired to even try.

I kind of wonder if I even want to go to heaven (not that it is going to happen, I am sure God would not want to be around me for eternity, his children can stand me for 3 weeks tops).  I kind of wish that I just stop existing, that there is nothing in the end (although I believe there is something after death,).  I do not want to exist forever.  I got sick of existing when I was 13.  At 41 I feel like I have been alive for a trillion years.  I do not know why people say life moves fast.  For me it is like watching grass grow.  It just goes on, and on, and on.  That is just 41 years, what would a eternity feel like?

So what is there to write about?

Do I write about how the grocery store replaced most of the cashiers with machines and I can check myself out now.  Usually I would be kind of pissed they are replacing people (who need jobs to survive) with machines, but every time I went in there, they always look angry and you get the feeling that they are hoping you will get hit by a car when you leave.  Kind of hard to feel bad for cashiers loosing their jobs, when they treat you like dirt.  So I can’t say I am sorry they are gone in this case, but it also means I haven’t talked to anyone (even cashiers) for a while.

I guess this rambling post is journal writers block.  What do you write about, when there is nothing going on.

Another day, another rejection

At this point, I am just seriously baffled how anyone can keep a friendship or relationship.  Every person I ever met demands absolute perfection from their friends and partners, with the bar set this high (we are human, everyone makes mistakes), how is it even possible that anyone is even in a relationship or friendship anymore.  Or do I just attract these kind of people, I have no idea.

It is a continuing problem I have noticed throughout every friendship or relationship I have ever had.  They expect you to be perfect.  You are one mistake away from them vanishing into thin air.  This includes favors.  If they ask a favor, and you refuse, you will never here from them again.  It is even worse in relationships.  They not only expect you to never make mistakes, but you are also supposed to read their mind as well.  If you ask what restaurant they want to go to, and they say “I don’t know”, that means read my mind, you already know what I want to eat, duh.

It makes me wonder how anyone can possibly enjoy dating, or hanging out with friends.  You are one mistake from them disappearing, and it takes so much energy to try to be perfect (which is what they demand), which in the end is a wasted effort, because you will screw up (your human), they will vanish, never to be seen again, and you are left wondering why you wasted so much time and energy.

I have no problems forgiving someone for a mistake, but have never encountered a single person who is willing to do the same.  I don’t know if this is how humanity works, in general, or if these are the only types of people who are willing to give me a chance.  Maybe they have burned so many bridges, they have no choice to deal with the bottom of the human race (me), because they have already discarded everyone else.  Most people want nothing to do with me.

For 7 years, there has been one person who calls every Monday to vent about her life.  Last week when she called, and I remembered something incorrectly from a conversation 6 years ago.  It pissed her off.  At that point, I knew she was never going to call again.  Unsurprisingly this Monday she never called.

But this is a perfect example of the insane expectations people have of me (at least the ones who choose to interact with me).  I am supposed to remember word for word, every conversation I have had with this person, even ones from 6 years ago.  My mother can’t remember anything I say for more than 30 seconds (she has issues), but I have not banned her from my life because of it.  But people expect me to remember conversations perfectly, from 6 years ago.  I have a near photographic memory.  I can remember stuff from years ago, no one else can.  I can remember where items are in stores that I was in when I was a kid, that have been out of business, since the 80’s.  I have never met anyone else who can do this, but I do not have the ability to remember word for word a conversation I had 6 years ago, but that is what they expect from me.  Something they can not do.

How do people have friends?  Is there people out there who can meet these demands?

So I guess I better get used to not talking to anyone for months again, because everyone has left (again).

I have got to seriously consider if I should reach out to people again.  Is it really worth it?  Every time a person leaves, it just leaves me with a feeling of that I am not good enough, that I will never be good enough.  If I was good enough, they would not keep disappearing.  It is such a waste of time and energy, for a inevitable rejection.  I think I need to give up, on everyone.  At least animals don’t expect you to be flawless.  I feed my cat, pet him when he wants me to, and he is joined to my hip.  He has not run out my door at the first mistake.  Maybe I should just hang around animals, and avoid people.

Drama free, can’t have that – part 2

I guess last month was uneventful, because God was going to throw me daily problems for a week straight.  Since the last time I wrote the gauntlet has continued.

Last Tuesday: Hard drive on my computer died, I was told my Grandmother is dying, neighbors make unfounded complaints.

Wednesday: Landlord confirms complaints are unfounded.

Thursday: The hard drive install from hell.

Friday: The adapter for my tablet dies.

Saturday: No one has the adapter for my Tablet.  Guess I go without a tablet for a while.

Sunday: 90 degree weather, and I only have 1 small air conditioner installed, and I am too depressed to install another (it takes 3 cheapo air conditioners to cool this place).  Decide not to because the next day will be 40 degrees anyways.  My apartment becomes a oven.  Neighbors loose power but I don’t.  Landlord has to come fix their power problem, and has to turn off everyone’s power.  When he turns it back on, it causes a power surge and blows out my cable modem.  So once again I get caught up in someone elses problems.

Monday: Fix my internet, at least I don’t own the internet modem that blew up, so no cost.

Tuesday: My sister calls me up, my grandmother has died.  I was never able to get back to visit her as I promised.  Who knows how many years I will be blaming myself for that now.  Something else breaks in my neighbors apartment (I don’t know what this time).  Landlord spends all day repairing upstairs.  I am not able to get any sleep from the pounding.

Today: Something else breaks in my neighbors apartment (I don’t know what it is), the landlord is up there pounding.  Today shall be day 2 of not being able to sleep, and the 4th straight day of dealing with the side effects of others people’s problems.

I have now lost my title as the most cursed person I know.  My neighbor has had 5 repair jobs for his apartment since he moved in.  They have only been here for 3 weeks.  The title of most cursed now belongs to my new neighbors.  With two cursed people living in the same building, I have to wonder if this house is going to implode from all the cursed energy here (kind of like the book Carrie).  Luckily I have no telekinetic powers, so we might survive (although the whole house might fall apart like the Blues Brothers car).